|Dear Budget Airline|
Slovenians' arch rivals are...each other
This damage was not caused by sonic booms...
Buildings in this part of Slovenia are built to withstand the effects of heavy vibrator use
From Parzival to the Gestapo, Borl Castle has both
Vurberk Castle: space in Slovenia is tight, allegedly.
Aerodrom Maribor d.o.o. is owned by Chinese-backed Slovenian firm SHS Aviation
Gay abandon in Ptuj (not in a gay way)
Tired of spas and golf where you are? Spa and golf hotel from a mere £270 a night in Luton
Please do not offend the locals' religious customs: little worries Slovenes more than dancing at petrol stations
Please come to our lovely airport.
Situated near little Orehova Vas (Walnut Village) in the Slivnica Hoče administrative district,
Maribor Edvard Rusjan Airport is
halfway between Maribor or Ptuj - and not under the control of either
However, for history and soul don't miss the far sexier vibratory town of Ptuj – just as close to the airport as Slovenia's second city.
But please be careful if you land at our Airport expressing a desire to go to Ptuj.
Language difficulties may arise during which rival Slovenians
(from Maribor) will point or carry you off in the wrong direction
for financial gain.
And with a quaint lebensraum terror of foreign invasions, used by the right-wing parties to hoover up the farmer vote,
Slovenian tourism experts feel they don't have room to clutter up their
little country with foreigners.
No, honestly, a packet twice the size can cost you two-and-a-half-times as much! Because as their owner, you must pay for the Slovenian space they consume.
Don't expect much jam in your doughnut either - jam dosages are evidently decided by a team of bakery lawyers and economists, not people who like jammy doughnuts. It's as if Gordon Brown had ordered a strategic review of doughnut targets.
As exotic foreign fare, one of these dry, indigestible, high-dough-low-jam doughnuts costs the same as a pack of five succulent ones from Asda or Tesco.
The Slovenian doughnut is a paradigm of the country's theo-oligarchic business model: you won't be fooled again, but it doesn't matter - you're not coming back anyway.
Tourism in Slovenia is mainly run by cheap student labour, so expect to be closely observed as part of their curriculum.
Their 15 years of "tourism studies" will now be replaced with a 100-SECOND EDUCATIONAL BLITZ ABOUT THE CULTURAL FACTORS, ECONOMICS AND LOGISTICS OF TOURISM.
FOR FREE we now reveal the
TEN BRITISH TOURISM SECRETS that Slovenians could have used had they
not been distracted by obedience to pedagogic authority figures:
4. Yes, while we're on the topic of
relics, Brits are equally skeptical of religious mumbo but might tolerate
visiting Catholic heritage sites out of historical interest, but
more probably just for a laugh. Lock up your icons or they will
end up on the wall of a student
9. If we are female tourists meeting Slovenian boys, we are probably not going to be impressed by your assumption that we foreign girls are easy. We are, but you're just as creepy and hung-up as usual.
10. And us male tourists meeting Slovenian girls are not going to understand that you are either a virgin or a prostitute, who assumes us to be a conveniently at-hand free English-practice resource but also a rapist.
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU NOW KNOW EVERYTHING AND YOU HAVE PASSED.